You Can't Kill Me Twice
One of my favorite book series is the Clan of the Cave Bear series by Jean M. Auel.
The main character, Ayla, has always spoken to me for some reason but not so much as she has for the last year.
Basically, she is a Cro-magnon child adopted and raised by a Neanderthal family. She struggles with being different while growing up and finally she has to be true to her own nature.
As a result, they curse her with death and cast her out on her own.
As she went through the motions of trying to survive and unlearning childhood behaviors, she would say to herself, I'm already dead, so what difference does it make what rules I'm breaking now?
I find myself thinking similar thoughts as I try to rebuild my own life, almost utterly alone. Not quite though, because I have had friends I can count on who have been there for me.
I've learned that I am empathetic, forgiving, and genuinely kind. I'm flaky as shit sometimes and while I try to minimize it, I am still learning coping mechanisms and practices.
I lose my wallet, lock my keys in my car, lock my hotel key in my hotel room, flake appointments sometimes, and do a lot of flaky shit like that.
I am not ever deliberately mean, though.
I have certainly learned what love is not. I'm back to the drawing board on that. A little sadder, a little wiser, still a lot angry.
And the anger isn't true anger...it's hurt. And like a wounded animal I lash out and re-act when I get hurt. I'm working on that.
I have become very skittish around people. It's a learned fear I am trying to overcome.
I'm learning to be patient with myself ...as I am with other people. I promptly apologize when I have made a flaky mistake that accidentally injures another.
I'm trying to be patient with myself...and with others. That, too, is a work in progress.
I am cognizant of my imperfections. Sometimes. Other times, I'm as oblivious as the next person.
Life is a journey and more than one person has reminded me to not forget to play. I think that I never knew how to play, to be honest, and so that shall be something I endeavor to learn how to do.
The main character, Ayla, has always spoken to me for some reason but not so much as she has for the last year.
Basically, she is a Cro-magnon child adopted and raised by a Neanderthal family. She struggles with being different while growing up and finally she has to be true to her own nature.
As a result, they curse her with death and cast her out on her own.
As she went through the motions of trying to survive and unlearning childhood behaviors, she would say to herself, I'm already dead, so what difference does it make what rules I'm breaking now?
I find myself thinking similar thoughts as I try to rebuild my own life, almost utterly alone. Not quite though, because I have had friends I can count on who have been there for me.
I've learned that I am empathetic, forgiving, and genuinely kind. I'm flaky as shit sometimes and while I try to minimize it, I am still learning coping mechanisms and practices.
I lose my wallet, lock my keys in my car, lock my hotel key in my hotel room, flake appointments sometimes, and do a lot of flaky shit like that.
I am not ever deliberately mean, though.
I have certainly learned what love is not. I'm back to the drawing board on that. A little sadder, a little wiser, still a lot angry.
And the anger isn't true anger...it's hurt. And like a wounded animal I lash out and re-act when I get hurt. I'm working on that.
I have become very skittish around people. It's a learned fear I am trying to overcome.
I'm learning to be patient with myself ...as I am with other people. I promptly apologize when I have made a flaky mistake that accidentally injures another.
I'm trying to be patient with myself...and with others. That, too, is a work in progress.
I am cognizant of my imperfections. Sometimes. Other times, I'm as oblivious as the next person.
Life is a journey and more than one person has reminded me to not forget to play. I think that I never knew how to play, to be honest, and so that shall be something I endeavor to learn how to do.
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