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A Year and Counting

It's been just over a year since my husband and I separated.

We celebrated 23 years of marriage before that.  It's strange the difference a year can make in perspective.

I don't really mourn the loss of the person I was married to.  I don't mourn our life together.  I had been in mourning for the loss of self.

I'm not going to fill these pages with the ways in which he wronged me, because I'm certain I'm not perfect and did plenty wrong. 

At the end of the day, it isn't about who's right or wrong, or who's to blame.   What it's about is the fact that I don't like who I am when I'm with him.

As I learn more about who my true self is, the more I see that we were probably never meant to be together, to begin with, but I'm not sorry for that time either. 

While I don't like who I am with him, I do like who I am with my kids.  I believe that there's a reason that things happen the way they do, and that time served its purpose.

Still Here

I'm still here! Eighty seven drafts, some with only a single sentence, but I am still here.  I hope all that read this have a wonderful day!

You Can't Kill Me Twice

One of my favorite book series is the Clan of the Cave Bear series by Jean M. Auel.
The main character, Ayla, has always spoken to me for some reason but not so much as she has for the last year.
Basically, she is a Cro-magnon child adopted and raised by a Neanderthal family. She struggles with being different while growing up and finally she has to be true to her own nature.
As a result, they curse her with death and cast her out on her own.
As she went through the motions of trying to survive and unlearning childhood behaviors, she would say to herself, I'm already dead, so what difference does it make what rules I'm breaking now?
I find myself thinking similar thoughts as I try to rebuild my own life, almost utterly alone.  Not quite though, because I have had friends I can count on who have been there for me.   
I've learned that I am empathetic, forgiving, and genuinely kind. I'm flaky as shit sometimes and while I try to minimize it, I am still learning coping m…

Zero Fucks

Then there comes the day where you realize you have given your last fuck about a situation.  I wonder which one it was ..I might have said a proper goodbye to it.
It fucks you up a little at first, I think.
Like, you sit there, and you think I "should" give a fuck.  I used to give a fuck.  But, I honestly seriously cannot find one fuck to give anymore.
You might even like..look around your chair or something to see if maybe you dropped it on the floor.  Nope.  Not there either.
Then you think..holy shit, I'm truly free!  At peace, even.
I get a little paranoid after that..I think, what if I'm just smoking really good weed right now, and I really do give a fuck?
Nope. Not about that. I'm saving my fucks for important stuff. 
It's a heady feeling to realize that you came out on the other side of a bad situation with your...self intact.
I have spent the last year getting to know myself again.  Sounds dumb, but it's part of self-healing.
I gave away bits and …

50 Year Old Women

50 Year Old Women       
A friend of mine asked the other day who was “thirstier” lesbians or or men.  My response is women over the age of 50. Do you want to know why?  Because we know we can’t get pregnant.  For real. Men, if you dump your woman when she turns 50 for a younger model, you done fucked up, and I don’t mean financially, although, she’s happy to take your money too. Women after the age of 50 turn into sexual freaks!  That freak you think you want in the 20-year-old who doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing?  Seriously, why do men do that?  Is it fun to have to teach someone new how to please you?  Why do you think middle aged women suddenly take up yoga and other fitness activities?  So, they can have the stamina for more sex. You see, we spent all those years paying the price for the sex we had.  Either we had kids, or we stressed about not having kids or both. Do you know how much time women spend stressing about becoming pregnant?  We invest time and energy into …

The Art of Being

I was talking with a friend the other day.  She's a very smart, motivated and talented lady.  I admire her greatly.

She mentioned something in particular that made me think.  She said she once took some time off from the world.

We all need to do that.  In this fast-paced world, we have forgotten how to just be.  Words like self-care and other words are bandied about and it can get confusing.

The concept is a simple one.  You can't take care of anything else unless you take care of yourself first.  You have to be able to feed yourself, make messes, clean up your own messes, learn what makes YOU thrive as a person.

If you aren't thriving, if you aren't well-balanced, you cannot begin to nourish another and be any kind of real help to them.

I think many of us get caught up in taking care of others before we learn how to take care of ourselves properly.

There's a reason kids are supposed to go out in the world.  There's a reason they have to fly the nest.  It's…