Posts

Learning to Live Again

I have been staring at these blank pages for a very long time now trying to find the courage to type the words that are pent up in my heart.

Fear is a weird feeling for me.  As a rule, I am not a fearful person.  It's conditioning.

Once upon a time, I used to be a vibrant, albeit geeky kind of person.  Alive. In love with life. Not afraid to try new things, or meet new people.

Now, I rarely leave my house and a lot of days I can barely muster up the courage to get out of bed.  I thank the makers of the universe daily for the love of my animals.

You can only live in a state of fight or flight for so long before it takes its toll.  I am a fighter, though, and while this seems interminable, there will come a day where I am happy to get out of bed again.  I am seeing flashes of my old self occasionally, and that gives me hope.

I am cracked, people.  Cracked in a way I would never wish upon a soul.  I would say broken, but I'm not broken.  I will mend my cracks with gold, and carry…

More Redneck than Shaman

I see there has been an update that allows you to change your name.  Alrighty then.  So this is my new name now.  But fair warning, I'm a little more redneck than shaman.  But I do like the extra degree of anonymity.  I hope all that read this are having a wonderful day!

Empty Nest

We're looking at it all wrong.  When they don't need us anymore, it means we did a fantastic fucking job!

A Year and Counting

It's been just over a year since my husband and I separated.

We celebrated 23 years of marriage before that.  It's strange the difference a year can make in perspective.

I don't really mourn the loss of the person I was married to.  I don't mourn our life together.  I had been in mourning for the loss of self.

I'm not going to fill these pages with the ways in which he wronged me, because I'm certain I'm not perfect and did plenty wrong. 

At the end of the day, it isn't about who's right or wrong, or who's to blame.   What it's about is the fact that I don't like who I am when I'm with him.

As I learn more about who my true self is, the more I see that we were probably never meant to be together, to begin with, but I'm not sorry for that time either. 

While I don't like who I am with him, I do like who I am with my kids.  I believe that there's a reason that things happen the way they do, and that time served its purpose.

Still Here

I'm still here! Eighty seven drafts, some with only a single sentence, but I am still here.  I hope all that read this have a wonderful day!

You Can't Kill Me Twice

One of my favorite book series is the Clan of the Cave Bear series by Jean M. Auel.
The main character, Ayla, has always spoken to me for some reason but not so much as she has for the last year.
Basically, she is a Cro-magnon child adopted and raised by a Neanderthal family. She struggles with being different while growing up and finally she has to be true to her own nature.
As a result, they curse her with death and cast her out on her own.
As she went through the motions of trying to survive and unlearning childhood behaviors, she would say to herself, I'm already dead, so what difference does it make what rules I'm breaking now?
I find myself thinking similar thoughts as I try to rebuild my own life, almost utterly alone.  Not quite though, because I have had friends I can count on who have been there for me.   
I've learned that I am empathetic, forgiving, and genuinely kind. I'm flaky as shit sometimes and while I try to minimize it, I am still learning coping m…

Zero Fucks

Then there comes the day where you realize you have given your last fuck about a situation.  I wonder which one it was ..I might have said a proper goodbye to it.
It fucks you up a little at first, I think.
Like, you sit there, and you think I "should" give a fuck.  I used to give a fuck.  But, I honestly seriously cannot find one fuck to give anymore.
You might even like..look around your chair or something to see if maybe you dropped it on the floor.  Nope.  Not there either.
Then you think..holy shit, I'm truly free!  At peace, even.
I get a little paranoid after that..I think, what if I'm just smoking really good weed right now, and I really do give a fuck?
Nope. Not about that. I'm saving my fucks for important stuff. 
It's a heady feeling to realize that you came out on the other side of a bad situation with your...self intact.
I have spent the last year getting to know myself again.  Sounds dumb, but it's part of self-healing.
I gave away bits and …