50 Year Old Women

50 Year Old Women       

A friend of mine asked the other day who was “thirstier” lesbians or or men.  My response is women over the age of 50.

Do you want to know why?  Because we know we can’t get pregnant.  For real.

Men, if you dump your woman when she turns 50 for a younger model, you done fucked up, and I don’t mean financially, although, she’s happy to take your money too.

Women after the age of 50 turn into sexual freaks!  That freak you think you want in the 20-year-old who doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing?  Seriously, why do men do that? 

Is it fun to have to teach someone new how to please you? 

Why do you think middle aged women suddenly take up yoga and other fitness activities?  So, they can have the stamina for more sex.

You see, we spent all those years paying the price for the sex we had.  Either we had kids, or we stressed about not having kids or both.

Do you know how much time women spend stressing about becoming pregnant?  We invest time and energy into pills, injections, insertions and every other way there is to prevent pregnancy.

Or some of us spend time and energy and whatnot trying to get pregnant.

And all of it is humiliating and involves getting naked for strangers.  I have no sympathy for men who want to moan about the colonoscopy.  Please.  At least they knock you out for that and it’s once every 10 years unless you have a concern.

I got sympathy for those guys, but the regular guys doing the regular guy check-ups…not so much.

Then after the kids come, we invest so much time, energy, and alcohol into keeping ourselves sane and them alive, we forget about being sexy.

Your husband gives the wink and you think to yourself ..are you fucking high?  Look what happens when we have sex.  Hell no.  I know where babies come from now.

Then, there’s the random body image problems that come after birth.  We do not feel sexy seeing those stretch marks and in my case, c-section scars. 

For my third one, the doctor actually bitched about the scar tissue.  If I hadn’t been paralyzed at the time, I would have come off that table and beat him about the head and shoulders for his snarky damn comments.

Oh, and that son didn’t want to breathe right away.  So, then here I am stressing because I can’t hear my baby breathe, and this doctor stressing me about having my tubes tied.  Did I “really” want them tied?  Seriously?  Way to make me feel better, ya nimrod.  Like you can replace a child?

How long do you think it took to have sex after that?  A little bit, I’m not going to lie.

You’d have thought that having the tubes tied would cure that anxiety.  I went through a phase where I didn’t trust that the doctor actually tied them thanks to the conversation we had when he was supposed to be doing it.  Hell no.  That is only 99.9% accurate too.  Sure as you get it done, there’s going to be a news story about this 49 year old woman who got pregnant because her tubes came untied.

Then come the years where you realize that sharing a bathroom with your spouse really takes the romance out of things.  You think, I know you’re going to have to poop in the next 10 minutes, of course I don’t want to have sex right now.  How bout you wait till after you poop and shower and then maybe hit me up.  Nope.  They would rather just have sex in the shower rather than do that.

Then come the teenage years, which I really enjoyed, but teenagers keep you just as busy as little kids.  And still, still, we’re taking a pill or getting injections and all kinds of mean nasty ugly stuff.  Still getting naked for strangers on the regular.  Still low key stressing if our period is three days late.

Understand, I had 6 kids.  My oldest 3 are stepkids, but I claim them, since I raised them as if they were my own.  They lived with us every day.  They were mine.

Finally the day comes that the last kid is out of the house.  You can put your feet up and day drink some wine if you want.

Now, you’re probably through menopause and there’s no kids around to stop you from getting naked any old time you want.

You’re ready to wear those outfits…you know the outfits..the maid outfit that’s really just an apron, and the heels.  Have the naked housecleaning days..

You’re ready for some fun, because you don’t have to worry about having kids or the kids you already have.

Every parent has been busted by their kids at some point.  If that ain’t enough right there to stop you from having sex for awhile, it’s a kid busting in on ya and making some comment.

We’re finally comfortable with our sexuality and comfortable in our own skin, and not worried about getting pregnant or interrupted by kids and your punk ass is going to decide that you need to start over with a younger model.

Now, you decide you can’t live with us anymore.  We’re crazy.  We are this or that.  No, darling.  We just haven’t had the sex we need for like 30 years.  We don’t want to hear a bunch of shit anymore, we just want you to shut up and use those magic hands.

So here we are…50 something…got no husband…got no kids but we might have a couple of bucks in the bank and we’re ready to have sex.  Ya damn right we’re thirsty.  All we need is dick at this point.  We will fix ya a sandwich and fetch a beer after, at least.